Balls-Part I

Ever wonder how men find a pair of balls and put 'em in a sack? I mean, really, is there some sort of Balk Ball Barn that's hidden somewhere?

This blog is dedicated to all those guys out there who have too big of balls to carry in their sack that they feel the urge to smack me in the face with their balls. Here's a jolly tale of ball smacking girls in the face:

I met good looking PHD Engineering student the prestigious University of Toronto not too long ago. Good looking, cute, foreign, and friggen smart as hell! We met a few times and exchanged numbers...texting...or flirt-texting. So being the social butterfly that I am (I really am not) I invite this guy out to a club on a Saturday night. It would have been a good opportunity to check out how he'll try to impress me, get me liquored up (but really just have him buy me and my girlfriend's drinks all night) get a kiss if he was lucky and part ways at the club at the end of the night. But oh no, he had to throw his massive balls in my face! Here lets play script writer:

Douche: Hey come over my place Saturday so we can pre-drink.

Me: Sure, sounds good. I'll bring some friends.

Douche: Oh no...don't do that...I just want to spend some time with you.

(Okay kinda creepy but I was prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt)

Douche: Maybe...we might have our own party here all night long, so we can skip out the club.

(This is where I lost it!)

Me: Do I have slut written on my forehead? Listen, if you want me you have to work hard for me!

Douche: Oh okay I will work hard for you. What do you think? Can we have some sort of arrangement?

(Okay what a dumb fuck...how the hell did he get into university????)

This guy has a lot of balls! Arrangement?! Am I for hire?! I promptly turned him down. After the initial shock of being whiplashed in the face with a pair of balls, I got so upset! I felt like a worthless piece of meat...do I give off the slut vibe? Why are men such jerks to me ALL THE GOD DAMN TIME?! Especially this guy, only after meeting him twice in a total of probably two hours? Like really, this guy had NO SHAME! Do I have the word slut written across my forehead? Probably single, but not slut...I hope he catches an STD, preferably one that would shrink and shrivel his balls.

Crocodile Rock's What?!

Hellloooooo humans! Sorry for being away for a while, but I'm back in FULL TYECHIA FORCE!

A while go, I had a friend (who will be featured in a later post) who invited me out for a night out on the town. First, we met up a friend's condo to pre-drink and hang out. Now this person who invited me out was someone I use to see a while ago, but had to decline any future "dating" offers from him because he was a bit of a whore and I didn't want to catch some sort of disease. While sitting around this friend who shall be called...hmmm....the Doctor. The Doctor then informs me that one of his friends will be joining us. To my delight (yeah friggen right) it was a girl. As we were all chilling out I noticed that his attention was diverted towards this chic rather me, whom he invited me out before he left the city. But I shook it off.

As for the venue of our night, one of the guys blurts out with joy, "Crocodile Rock!" I was mortified! This place is infamous as a cougar hang out, where trashy older women and douchy young men collide resulting in some disgusting sexual explosion! I was determined not to go, I wouldn't be caught dead there! But alas, everyone convinced me to come along. Plus, I wanted to see this shit hole for myself.

So we arrive. Now since I was invited out, I expected my entrance, my coat check, and my drinks to be taken care of by the Doctor. INSTEAD, I end up paying for all of that myself and this ugly skinny chick who looked like she hadn't eaten in six weeks ended up being taken care of. I guess that sort of stuff happens when a guy knows that when he's not getting some from a girl, he'll put in all that effort and money into a slut who will! Anyways, I proceed...my first thought..."OMFG...this place is fucken trashy...who does that fat old women think she is wearing that short skirt...umm, helloo, could you wear a bra..old woman, stop dancing, get off the bar, put some clothes on and go home to your grandchildren...omg I hope no one recognized me." As I was putting in the effort of trying to have fun, after all, they did play very good music, the Doctor was no were to be found! I thought, "Where the fuck is this guy? He invited me out? Oh wait, there he is, catching an STD from that chick!" So rude! I couldn't take it! He drags me to this cesspool of grossness and ditches me for a chick! I immediately left without telling anyone...hang on, left is not the proper term here...more like sneaked out! WTF does this place rock? I'll tell you what it rocks. It rocks douchy guys, like the Doctor, and ugly old bitches.

A month later, while waiting for the streetcar, a kind looking woman asked me, "Um, excuse me, where can I find Crocodile Rock?" I immediately gave her screw face and said, "Um...you wanna go there?...Sorry, can't help you."