Happy New Year!

Chinese, Persian, whatever new year it is, a new year means a new beginning to many people! In my opinion Chinese New Year is the best because you get money! Pft, North American New Year doesn't give squat, except maybe a bad hang over! lol

Ah yes, New Year's resolution....what's yours? Lose weight? Forget it honey you'll give that up in about a month! Yes that chocolate bar is calling your name! You'll keep your room clean? Yeah right, you'll break that when you come home from whatever New Year's party you just came from and drunkenly throw your clothes on your bedroom floor! lol

There are a lot of things I would like to do. I would like to master Arabic, lose weight and get into grad school. But you know what...I'm not making any resolutions this year. I'm just going to carry on whatever it is I'm doing. I'm going to continue being a pervert and fantasize about hot TTC workers (come on I'm not the only one who's noticed the recent rise in gorgeous TTC workers), I'm going to continue smoking my shisha (hey, I just might be adventurous and try apple and mint, rather than my regular mint *gasp*), I'm going to continue to stand up for myself (and I'm sorry if I come across as a bitch while doing so, but hey, that's your problem not mine sucka!), work hard, dance, eat, listen to music and enjoy my friends. Hmmmmm, well this looks like its turning into a New Year's resolution...here it is I guess: like life which flows in and out of the good and the bad, I too shall flow with life and try to take it in strides and do the best that I can, because life is tough!

Happy New Year everyone and may Jesus, Allah, Buddha, Shiva, Yaweh, Zeus, Hathor, Baal, Kemosh, Thor or the Spaghetti Monster bless you with good health, wealth and happiness! XOXO!

The Return of the Ex

Ex can be a strong word and even so, Xing a strong action. When you X someone out of your life or X a person from a role that they once held in your life, it is usually done with a justified purpose. When one speaks of an ex-boyfriend or an ex-girlfriend one may imagine a huge red X painted on their face! An ex is an ex for a reason. They no longer hold that special place in your life and that special place in your heart. All love and other feelings for them are supposedly gone and their person will never again be a part of your life, your soul, your heart.

However, somehow, and sometimes, an ex isn't totally X'd from your life. When that ex pops up out of nowhere and says, "Hello, remember me?!" that red X on their face no longer holds any purpose or barriers. Past feelings of love (and anger) do come back. You begin to remember the good and loving times and they can trump your angry feelings. That is unless your ex was a dirty ass of a dog who deserves a bad case of herpes! However, those warm and fuzzy feelings spring up when he or she looks into your eyes. You can tell that by the way they are looking at you that they are experiencing the same feelings.

My story begins when my ex, lets call him Mr. Ex. calls me. We chatted for a bit, laughed and so forth. Then I felt like I just had to see him immediately. He agreed to come over to my house and enjoy a cup of coffee (he always enjoyed drinking coffee at night) and to catch up. There we were, four years after we broke up, in my kitchen for nearly four hours, finally expressing our thoughts and feelings. I won't go into too much detail about our meeting, but to sum it up we both admitted how young and stupid were both were, how badly we treated each other and cleared up any misunderstandings between us both. It was lovely. It truly felt like an adult conversation. But the most significant moment was that I could tell that he still loved me. He admitted to me that he still had in his possession a card that I had given to him which I wrote a long text expressing my love for him. He still looks at it from time to time. Usually when you break up with someone you throw everything that reminds you of your ex in the X trash bin and light a fire! lol. Does he regret our failed loved? I think so. Do I regret our failed love? It is only natural to regret anything that has failed when so much effort was put into it. Does he still love me? I think so. Do I still love him? I love him as a friend, but no more than that.

You can still love your ex, but one must remember that love is never enough and an ex is X'd for a reason, no matter how much it hurts to do so.

If he had asked me to be with him again and give it another try (in this case it would have been our third try) I would have refused. Love is never enough.

What do you want?

In life there are needs and wants. Needs such as food, water and air are essential to life. Wants such as diamonds, designer sunglasses and so forth are not essential to life. However they are closely related to each other. One may need food, but one may not need to order pizza while there is already food (like a boring salad) in your fridge. But wants, not needs seems to take precedence in a lot of things.

Someone got my thinking. I want a lot of things in life. Happiness, good heath, good friends, a good partner, diamonds, designer sunglasses, a mansion! But can our pursuits of these wants prevent us from actually living life? Will these pursuits prevent us from taking the path life meant for us to be on? Our wants change over time. When you think you want something one day, you may just forget about it the next day. Our own goals and the goals of others that we may know can effect lives.

What do I want? I want to smile, laugh, kiss, hug, cuddle, eat, read marvelous books...I want to be happy. I think I might just go with the flow for a while and see where that takes me. I like mysteries...I like the mysteries of life. So lets see where I'll end up!

You are your worst enemy

Ever heard of the expression, "You are your worst enemy?" Sure, you think. But have you really thought, "Yes, I am." When you know that you are banned from eating that piece of chocolate cake because you are incredibly fat and you need to lose weight, you take a little nibble thinking no damage will be done. But oh no, a nibble is not enough....YOU MUST HAVE MORE! You then snatch the whole cake and stuff your face. Right there you have lost the battle between you and yourself. You are the loser. Loser!

So when you know and recognize things that are not right for yourself, you shouldn't do it. You shouldn't follow your old pattern because you know it is wrong. This is a trap that many fall into. For example, women fall for the jerks and in turn get jerked with. You break up with the jerk, but as soon as you turn around another one pops up from the ground like a gremlin! At first you think, "How cute!" But really, it is a snarling beast!

I must admit I have from time to time fallen for many gremlins. I had a friend who reminded me several times this week that I always seem to meet genuinely bad men. It made me angry at first that this fact was being rubbed into my face, but later realized that what she said was true. I needed to face this fact. So I have. So now I sit here, writing this blog entry contemplating ever trusting or dating anyone ever again. I say, if I were catholic and religious I would commit myself to a nunnery! So here I am, the victim, not the victor. I am my worst enemy. I don't think I would make a very good general in a battle. The enemy within will cause me to lose my battle.